Most parents feel exasperated when their toddler begins to use the word "no" frequently. Let me reassure you: a 2 year old's use of "no!" is developmentally appropriate and also a necessary part of growing up. This stage signals the child's budding awareness of himself as a separate person, as one who has choices. Saying "no" to a parent's request or gesture means that he is growing intellectually, and beginning to differentiate himself. This is a process that will continue throughout childhood, possibly easing up somewhat in the elementary school years, only to suddenly gain incredible momentum sometime between the ages of 10-15.
First, let me explain why this is one of the most important parenting issues you will face. I am a firm believer that the quality of the relationship you develop with your toddler will continue all throughout the next 15 or so years. If you have a flexible, yet firm approach to his growth and learning, you will be more likely to have a successful and happy parenting experience during the tumultuous adolescent years. However, if you have a contentious, argumentative relationship with your 3 year old, you will likely have a difficult relationship with your 15 year old. Think of it this way: a toddler is just beginning to explore his world, and to realize that he is a separate being from his parent. If you treat this process in a controlling, defensive, or hostile way, your child will learn that in order to separate himself from you, it must be done through arguing and anger (although a milder, meeker child might learn to simply give in and give up, which is undesirable as well).
After the relative calm of middle childhood, adolescents start to explore the world in an even broader way, and begin to question their parents. If your child has learned that you are open to his exploration of the world - within limits that ensure health and safety precautions - then your child will continue to respect you during this process. If, however, you are heavy-handed in your approach toward this process, your child will learn to distrust your judgment and will be less honest about what he is doing.
Now back to how to handle those cries of "No!" by your toddler. What I'm saying is: get used to it. Remember, your child is not rejecting you. He is simply trying to assert himself as an individual. Learn positive approaches to managing you child's negative replies. You will circumvent a great deal of power struggles if you use this in your favor. Rather than reacting to the word "no", try to find other ways to handle the struggle. Instead of asking a question that will be automatically answered with "No!", use the technique of giving appropriate choices. Instead of saying "Do you want to wear the blue striped shirt?" (No!), say, "Would you rather wear the green shirt or the one with trucks on it?" This gives your child a sense that he has some power to manage his own world, which is less likely to result in a power struggle.
Many toddlers have trouble with transitions. They don't want to stop doing what they are having fun doing to go do what you need to do. (You wouldn't want to be coerced away from what you are doing without warning, either.) Use the Five Minute Rule: "In five minutes, we have to leave the park, and go to the store." When the time is up, simply tell him that the five minutes are up, and now it is time to go. If he does not begin to come willingly, gently take his hand and remind him once more that the time is up. If he starts to struggle, do not argue with him. There is no need to say anything further. This is the time for action, not words. You will need to pick him up and carry him to the car. Some headstrong toddlers will continue to fight you on this in future situations, but you will be amazed that after you use this consistently, your child will become more cooperative.
Learn which battles to fight. Your toddler walking across the street by himself is NOT negotiable. But if he wants to wear one black sock and one white sock, so what? Does it really matter? Let that one go.
Rather than attempting to impose your will on your toddler, seek to increase cooperation. You will find that the relationship is far more satisfying, and less exhausting. And in no time, your little argumentative lawyer will begin saying "no" a lot less often, simply because there is no longer a need to say it in response to everything. The power struggle has in large part been defused. And you are on the way to an excellent relationship with your child over the long haul.
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